If the apocalypse comes, beep me .. well for "Buffy" fans, it's here

You know, no matter how hard it gets to do so, I still do try, even as a now certified middle-age curmudgeon, to look for the good things in life, so let's start there before I unleash what I'll warn you now will be a well-boiled pot of bile.

I, like I assume all subscribers, got an e-mail yesterday from Netflix, and as far as that goes at least, I'm now streaming only, for just $7.99 a month, and that's just fine with me. If there's a new release, I guess I'll just Red Box or maybe even buy it, and that's gonna have to do, because having all the TV and increasing movie content to stream directly to my TV was just too much to resist (and was, of course, Netflix's rather ingenious plan all along).

One thing I will, however, spring for on beautiful blu-ray are the movies of Hayao Miyazaki, and beginning in March with "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind," Disney will hopefully be bringing all the Studio Ghibli titles to the format. I'm sure that I will at least buy my two favorites, "Porco Rosso" and "Kiki's Delivery Service," as soon as I get the chance, and maybe more too.

When I first bought my blu-ray player (and only after my DVD player finally died - yes, I fear all change), Movie Mom Nell Minow suggested I buy a Pixar movie, because animation in particular just looks amazing on blu-ray. For me, that meant "Ratatouille," of course, and she was right, so I can't wait to see how great Miyazaki's best works will look.

And to keep the good vibes going before the "Buffy" bile, there are few subgenres of movies I love more than boxing flicks, and it seems a potentially great one is now in the works. Gael Garcia Bernal of "Y Tu Mama Tambien" fame has signed on to play boxer Roberto Duran in a flick called "Hands of Stone," and Al Pacino is "circling" the role of his trainer, Ray Arecel.

Even though that surely means Pacino will spend the entire movie yelling at him, that should still be rather amazing to watch. Someone named Jonathan Jakubowicz will write and direct the flick, which will apparently focus on the "No Mas" fight, in which, after getting rather soundly battered by Sugar Ray Leonard, Duran simply uttered those words and walked out of the ring forever. Bring it on!

OK, enough of the good vibes until today's video clips, because there's evil afoot that must be stamped out immediately. I first heard of a possible "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" "reboot" (whatever the hell that means) a few years ago, and was hoping that, since it dropped off the radar for a while, that simply wretched idea was dead.

No way. Unable to resist an obviously "Twilight"-inspired cash grab, Warner Brothers has apparently now hired an actress named Whit Anderson (whose three-movie resume contained nothing I've ever seen) to write a "Buffy" movie.

If you were a fan of the TV show, just let that craptastic idea settle in for a moment before I explain how it only gets worse from here. Charles Roven, who is producing this monstrosity, had this to say in a press release:

“While this is not your high-school Buffy, she’ll be just as witty, tough and sexy as we all remember her to be.”

So, Buffy won't be in high school. Since I'll never see this, fair enough. But just in case you ever happen to, know this: There also won't be any of the characters we all loved from the series. That means no Giles, Willow, Xander, Spike, Angel, Oz, Cordelia, Anya or even Dawn (always the weakest link to me.)

And, of course, there won't be any Joss Whedon, who created the show in the first place. So, if he's not involved, who is the real villain here? Well, it's apparently co-"creators" Fran and Kaz Kuzui, who had a big role in the fairly funny movie that preceded the TV show, and have held on to the rights all these years. Fran Kuzui directed the original "Buffy" movie, but beyond their "executive producers" credit, the duo had nothing at all to do with the TV show.

Whedon, for his part, has moved on to bigger (but not necessarily better) things with his "Avengers" movie, so I can certainly understand his fairly measured response to this when he was contacted by Kristin Dos Santos of E! Here's what he had to say:

Kristin, I'm glad you asked for my thoughts on the announcement of Buffy the cinema film. This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths - just because they can't think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.

Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, "Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER." Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, "I'll make a mint! This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!" Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more?

I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don't love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I'm also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can't wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I'm making a Batman movie. Because there's a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you.

Leave me to my pain! Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Not terribly surprisingly, very witty stuff, and certainly much funnier than anything that will spring from this abominable endeavour. I will, out of morbid curiosity if nothing else, dutifully report who gets the "honor" of playing the new Buffy once this all comes together, but for now, let's just move on, because life is indeed too short for so much bitterness.

OK, now for much better stuff, on to a couple of videos full of nothing but good vibes. I'm hoping that the presence of Natalie Portman will be enough to elevate Darren Aronofsky's sure-to-be-epicly-twisted ballerina tale "Black Swan" to a release wide enough to reach my little corner of the world when it finally comes out Dec. 3. In the meantime, there's this music video containing clips from the film, which also stars Mila Kunis. Enjoy.



And even better than that, for something which much more poetically expresses my exact reaction when I first saw all that "Buffy" crap, why not four minutes of something that needs no further explanation than its title, "Nicolas Cage Loses His Shit"? I'll only say that, while this proves exactly why Cage, while never quite a master thespian, is still often very fun to watch, please watch this with headphones if you're at work, because it is indeed just as profane as you could possible imagine. Enjoy, and have a perfectly passable Tuesday. Peace out.

Harry Potter and the turning point in the fight against unnecessary 3D?

Actually, the photo above, of course, has nothing at all to do with the main topic at hand, but it's so epicly good that I really couldn't think of anywhere else to start today.

In case you can't tell, it's the great Michelle Williams (easily one of my favorite young actresses) as Marilyn Monroe, and the resemblance is strong enough that it almost borders on creepy. It's from a film, shooting now, titled "My Week With Marilyn" and directed by Simon Curtis. Using the diaries of Colin Clark, an assistant on the set of the 1956 film "The Prince and the Showgirl," it tells the story of the production, which teamed Monroe with Laurence Olivier. Definitely something to keep an eye out for.

But the main event here today is what I sincerely hope will indeed be a turning point in the battle against 3D, or at least against the kind of crappy 3D conversion that's simply tacked onto too many movies after they've already been shot.

The news: The first half of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," set to come out Nov. 19, will only be released in traditional 2D and IMAX, rather than being converted into craptastic 3D.

A victory against one of the most ridiculous film gimmicks of all time? Not quite. Warner Bros. is hardly making some kind of artistic stand here - according to the studio's news release on this, they simply ran out of time.

And, making this news even more of a mixed bag, the studio still plans to convert the second chapter, set for release July 15, 2011, into 3D, which just makes the whole situation very strange.

Still and all, any time a major release (and does it get much more major than Harry Potter?) backs away from the 3D madness, I have to smile at least a little bit, no matter what the reason.

The only case of I know of in which a big-time director has so far just said no to 3D for reasons beyond simple timing is Zack Snyder's upcoming "Sucker Punch," set for release in March 2011. Last I had heard, at least, he was resisting all entreaties to mess with the mostly or perhaps now completely finished film, so here's hoping he and wife/producer Deborah keep up the good fight.

OK, enough of that. Just one more bit of good news today and then an epicly awesome trailer, because I have a full day of errands ahead of me. My wallet clearly tells me I should drop HBO, but every time I'm about to, they come up with something strong enough to keep me hooked.

Currently, "Boardwalk Empire" is even better than all the critical hype built it up to be, and though they're clearly acquired tastes, I really dig the comedies "Bored to Death" and "Eastbound and Down" too.

And now comes word of an HBO movie pairing that sounds just about perfect. I normally can only take Al Pacino in small doses, because his usual habit of simply yelling all his lines just gives me a throbbing headache, but if you re-pair him with David Mamet to tell the crazy story Phil Spector? That should indeed be a wall of awesome once it all comes together.

Finally today is the first trailer I know of for Peter Weir's "The Way Back," and you can tell already from this short footage that the movie starring Colin Farrell, Saoirse Ronan (hah, I spelled that right without cheating) and Mark Strong will be on the scale we should expect from the director of "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" (and oddly enough, nothing else between that 2003 film and now.) As you'll see from the clip below, the movie, set to come out soon hopefully everywhere, tells the story of a band of prisoners who escape from the Russian Gulag and then go on an epic journey back to the rest of the world. Enjoy the trailer and have a great weekend. Peace out.

All hail the Coens: A video tribute

Like just about everyone else in the world, apparently, I didn't bother to turn out for Nicolas Cage's "Bangkok Dangerous," but believe it or not, it looks like there will be three potentially very good movies opening wide this week.

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino (heard of them?) team up for "Righteous Kill," a novelty that's probably enough to net my $6 for a matinee (though the Rolling Stones music in the commercial does raise rather serious fears that this will just be a tired Scorsese knockoff.) And secondly, Alfre Woodard, Kathy Bates and Taraji P. Henson (pictured simply because I like to look at her and I write this) join the Tyler Perry train in "The Family that Preys," which I'm betting will turn out to be a winner.

But, most importantly, it's also the return of the Coen Brothers with "Burn After Reading," which looks like it will be odd enough to fit just right in their body of work. I know they're not for everyone (though I certainly don't know why), but how many directors can you name who have made 10 movies that you either like or outright love? The Coens have accomplished this in my book (out of 13, including "Burn After Reading," which I of course haven't seen yet), so they've certainly earned at least the eyes of the few people who happen to stumble by here. So here, in order of just how much I like them, are my 10 favorite Coen brothers movies, with video enhancement where possible.

10. "Ladykillers"
Yes, "Ladykillers." I realize this remake is almost universally derided as the brothers coasting with nothing new to offer, but I find it to often be very funny. Sure, Tom Hanks is even more annoying as a "Southerner" here than he was in "Forrest Gump," but I submit that J.K. Simmons, Marlon Wayans and, most of all, Irma P. Hall are all fairly great in it, and I offer this clip from the Waffle Hut as proof.



9. "Miller's Crossing"
If anyone wants to quibble with this or any other flick not being higher on the list, remember that everyone on it is a winner to me. The best Coen flicks create a world to escape to for a little while, as it did here with this flick about Irish mobsters. Albert Finney just tore through this one, but believe it or not, that is director Sam Raimi in this brief shootout clip from the flick.



8. "Barton Fink"
If I'm not mistaken this was the first movie that had John Turturro as its principal star, and the first he made with the Coens. It's a portrait of a Hollywood writer suffering a rather severe case of writer's block (and wrestling movies and all kinds of other oddities.) Here's a clip of Turturro and the very funny Tony Shalhoub as a movie producer.



7. "Raising Arizona"
On paper this movie would just seem extremely stupid, and it occasionally is, but in all the best ways. The tale of H.I. and Ed and their quest to have a baby is just the silliest kind of fun, and having watched it last year on the big screen again I can attest that it well stands the test of time. Enjoy this clip of H.I. and Ed trying to oust the Snoats from their home so they can enjoy the company of some "decent folk."



6. "Blood Simple"
The ratings from here on out are kind of arbitrary since I love all of these. There have been very few more straightforwardly entertaining directing debuts than this "Simple" film noir, which introduced Frances McDormand to the world in 1984. Enjoy this opening bit of narration by M. Emmet Walsh, which ends with McDormand's opening line.



5. "Fargo"
The Coens really should have won their first Best Picture Oscar for this one, which in its mix of comedy, violence and intrigue really captures their spirit as well any other. It's also probably the best performances from both William H. Macy and Ms. McDormand. Here's what Siskel and Ebert had to say about it back in the day.



4. "No Country for Old Men"
Call it a "meditation on violence" or any other kind of high-falutin' terms that apply to Best Picture winners, but it's also just a chilling movie and a perfect example of the Coens taking the work of another, here Cormac McCarthy, and making it truly their own. Here's a clip of Woody Harrelson and Josh Brolin, who's been on a real roll since.



3. "The Big Lebowski"
Many people would rank this as the best of the Coen brothers' flicks, and I really can't argue with them. At it's best, when its not just fall-down funny, the dude's story works best as a wild dream, as this clip of Jeff Bridges just tripping balls to Bob Dylan's "The Man in Me" surely proves.



2. "Hudsucker Proxy"
Yes, "Hudsucker Proxy." Many would consider this oddity to be one of the lesser Coen flicks, but I just love it. There's just a sweetness to the tale of Norville Barnes that you don't find in too many Coens flicks, and Tim Robbins and Jennifer Jason Leigh play into it perfectly. Here's a clip of Norville's invention, the hula hoop, hitting the street.



1. "O Brother Where Art Thou"
This flick probably gets shown on Saturday afternoons on TBS more than just about any other in the world, and that just proves a key point about the Coens. Though they often poke fun at the people they paint, it's always in good fun, which is why Southerners (of which I claim to be one) love this movie just as much as I'd imagine Minnesotans do "Fargo." It's also just about the only flick I can think of where you can sit and listen to the great soundtrack and play back every scene from the movie in your mind. Here, to finish this off, is a clip of George Clooney and the boys performing "Man of Constant Sorrow."



So there you have it. For the record, the only two Coen flicks I left off of this list are "The Man Who Wasn't There" and "Intolerable Cruelty," neither of which I have much time for. I hope the clips served as a fun time-waster, and that "Burn After Reading" will be as oddly entertaining as all of these. Peace out.

Is it just me, or does Al Pacino kind of suck?

That's more than a bit harsh about a man who obviously used to be a great actor, but I have to say that when I see his name on a movie nowadays it just makes me wince.

Now, luckily unlike Marshall Eriksen (more truly great stuff about "How I Met Your Mother coming at the end), I don't have a boss who yells at me on a regular basis. That doesn't mean, however, that I need to have this void filled by having Al Pacino yell at me at the movies. And that's all he seems to do.

Now, there have been recent exceptions, of course. He was great as Roy Cohn in "Angels in America," but you have to go all the back to 1999 to find a year in which he made two movies that I really enjoyed - "Any Given Sunday" and (much better) "The Insider."

And this week he's back with what looks like a truly tired stinker. Let me go ahead and get the joke out of the way first - "88 Minutes" is, apparently unfortunately, actually 108 minutes long.

In a strictly paint-by-numbers plotline, Pacino stars as a criminology professor who regularly lends his skills to the FBI. Now one particular case has come back to haunt him in the form of a mysterious voice on the other end of the telephone that casually informs him he's been marked for death. That does sound slightly more interesting than the calls I constantly get from people telling me the warranty on my 1998 Honda Civic is about to expire, but only slightly.

Oh well, I will still be going to the movies twice this weekend. Once, of course for Segel's "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but also - even though the Hollywood Reporter says it's aimed squarely at 16-year-old males - "The Forbidden Kingdom." I simply don't care how juvenile it might be; if you put Jackie Chan and Jet Li together in a movie (as opposed to Chan and Chris Tucker, thankfully), I'll be there to see it.

As for Mr. Pacino, I don't know when if ever I'll be able to come home to him again. A look at his future projects reveals a team-up with Robert De Niro for "Righteous Kill" - can you imagine the amount of hot air on that set? - and then a remake of the French heist flick "Rififi." The original, by the way, which I just recently managed to see, is simply a superb little thriller directed by the more recently late Jules Dassin. Rent it immediately if you can.

The return of Robin Sparkles!

I've been trying to find out if "How I Met Your Mother" (who it certainly seems is the simply radiant Sarah Chalke) has been renewed for a fourth season yet or not. If anyone knows the answer to this, please do share.

In the meantime, after a very funny episode this week about Marshall's job woes, it appears the show is going back into high gimmick mode for the April 21 episode with the return of everyone's favorite teen pop star, Robin Sparkles.

For anyone who doesn't watch the show (and, if you don't, you certainly should), Robin Sparkles is the alter ego of TV anchorwoman Robin Scherbatsky, played by Cobie Smulders. She made her debut on the very funny "Slap Bet" episode in a music video for "Let's Go to the Mall" on season two, and now she's back next Monday as another video blast from the past surfaces, this time to be called "Sandcastle." The episode will also feature cameos from Alan Thicke (as a music producer) and Tiffany (yes, that Tiffany) and James Van der Beek in the video. Which brings me to my only concern ...

The show already has five very engaging stars who work better and better together all the time, so do we really need all these gimmicky guests? I know I don't, but if "Sandcastle" contains anything nearly as funny as the line "Gonna rock your body 'til Canada Day," I'll be satisfied. And heck, if the guest stars are what it takes to get my second-favorite network comedy (after only "The Office") renewed again, I think I can handle it.

So, in honor of both Robins, here is the much-viewed video for "Let's Go to the Mall" (more than 500,000 times at YouTube, apparently.) Even if you've never seen the show, I guarantee this will make even the most dreary Wednesday just a little brighter. Peace out.