Monday, October 22, 2007

Remake news so bad I couldn't possibly make it up

This being Monday and all, I'd love to be the bearer of better news. And at least part of me hopes you've all heard this somewhere else first to soften the blow.

When I first heard the idea that someone would actually remake "The Birds," I just assumed it was some kind of urban legend. No one would really do that, would they?

Well, as has happened at least once before, it seems I'm wrong. I hope Martin Campbell lives a long time and makes a lot more movies, because it's gonna take a heck of a lot of good karma to survive this.

Until now he's had a good enough run. "Casino Royale" was the best Bond movie in many, many years, and his "Zorro" sequel was fun enough. The ride stops, however, stops when he puts his hands on Hitchcock.

Here, as far as I can muster from the French site, are the details: The bold fools who will write this abomination for Campbell are Paul Harris Boardman and Scott Derrickson (the team that wrote "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," a surprisingly entertaining flick.) In case you haven't vomited from all this yet, brace yourself, because it only gets worse.

What do you do when you know you're taking on a remake that should never even be started? Call it a "re imagining," of course. The formerly fairly talented Todd McFarlane is doing the same thing with "The Wizard of Oz," unless I rather quickly develop a talent like Maya's on "Heroes" and can do the world a big favor by taking all these idiots out (stay tuned, by the way, for much better news about "Heroes" in the next segment.)

And, worst of all about this madness: Naomi Watts is at least rumored to be in negotiations to fill the shoes of Tippi Hedren (who, I was pleasantly surprised to find, is still alive and kicking.) If she still has the energy at age 77, I would hope she'd use her foot on Ms. Watts' also rather pleasant posterior to kick enough sense into her to get her to just say no to this.

Whew. That's a lot of bile for a Monday morning, so how about some much better news about another blonde I like even more than Naomi?

Veronica Mars on "Heroes" tonight!

Just typing that was enough to make me smile, so I indeed hope I have that right. I've enjoyed hearing Kristen Bell's voice on "Gossip Girl" (yes, I'll admit it, I watch that), but it will be so much better to see her face again too on "Heroes."

As far as I can tell from the commercial, she's pursuing Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventamiglia) for some reason. The best NBC could come up with for a tagline was "what power will she have?" I would have at least added "Veronica Mars back on TV? F*** yeah!) A bit misleading, perhaps, but much more effective. Definitely tune in tonight.

More incredibly bad news

Sorry to alternate like this, but I'm still not fully awake, to be honest.

What's worse than a thoroughly unnecessary remake? In my book it would have to be these so-called "spoof" movies that won't just die. Apparently enough people (though hopefully no one reading this) went to see "The Comebacks" in week one that it made nearly $6 million. Not a ton, I guess, but probably enough to justify it's excremental existence.

Can it get any worse? After you watch this clip, you'll know the answer is definitely yes. I won't spoil it for you, because it's something you have to see to believe. I'll just leave you with a few questions. If you steal complete scenes from a flick, when does it stop being a "spoof" and just become a crime? And, not that I want to see her more often, but does Carmen Electra have a contract that only allows her to star in these flicks?. Anyways, I won't delay your agony any further. Click on the video if you dare, and please, please, remember I'm just the messenger. Peace out.


Ian said...

I'm with you on all these remakes. Over at there's mention of a remake of The Exorcist (Dear God, Why???!!) and this morning's subscription copy of SFX magazine tells me that there are not one but TWO remakes of The Prisoner (cult TV show from the 60s) underway.

I'd truly get depressed until I remember how many good films I've seen so far this year (mostly small, independent films, admittedly, but what the heck)

Reel Fanatic said...

I love "The Prisoner," Ian, so I can understand the impulse to wanna make it again, but you're definitely right that this has to stop now!

Chalupa said...

Wow. That's all I can say. So many re-makes have flopped in the past. I can't discredit the good ones, I really liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but most of them just suck. Is it a problem with creativity or just laziness?

I'm kinda surprised by The Comebacks making $6 million too. However, even though I think it's trash the masses don't. I'm sure if I was a film maker I'd want to only make amazingly awesome independent films, but sometimes you gotta do something that's gonna pay the bills too. I just have a hard time using that argument for a lot of people in the film industry though.

Mercurie said...

I am like you. I can hardly believe this. Remaking The Birds? What could they be thinking. And The Prisoner? Is there some impulse in the powers that be to tarnish everything I love?!

I still haven't forgiven Van Sant for that remake of Psycho...

Reel Fanatic said...

I think it's probably a combination of the two things you mentioned, Chalupa, but also a matter of money .. For reasons that are beyond my comprehension, it's probably just cheaper for studios to use old ideas rather than pay anyone to come up with anything new ... and as for that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake, I wanted to like it, but after the first 20 minutes or so, which were magical, it was just pure garbage ... and I'm convinced, Mercurie, that Van Sant just had to be on serious drugs for the entire year or so he worked on that ridiculous Psycho project

Bob said...

Oh believe me, it gets worse:

And to steal a popular phrase these days, "Leave 'The Prisoner' alone." That show was perfection. Leave it be.
Yay for Kristen Bell on "Heroes"!

P.S.: "Lars and the Real Girl" is very good.

Reel Fanatic said...

That is indeed a nightmarish project, Bob, and it makes a two-fer of terrible remake ideas for Mr. Derrickson ... I should really start a hall of shame for people like him!

Bob said...

Klatuu barada...WYLD STALLYONS RULE!

Neel Mehta said...

I can see that most of you agree that The Birds should not be remade. But consider another argument: the definitive remake of The Birds has already been made.

Go here.

Reel Fanatic said...

I can see what you mean, Neel, but even on an off night, "The Simpsons" is high art enough that they can get away with remaking/spoofing anything and still turning it into sublime entertainment