My worst movies of 2006

Somehow it only seems appropriate to salute the worst movies of 2006 on a weekend that features Cedric the (former) Entertainer as a janitor-turned-federal-agent and Hilary Swank saving the youth of America. I know you're all strong enough to join me in just saying no.

And, please understand, I'm sure these aren't the worst movies that came out in 2006, just the worst ones I had the traumatic experience of seeing. I'm fairly certain that both "BloodRayne" and "Little Man" are worse than most of the movies that made this list, but until I get paid to watch movies for a living, I won't be finding out for sure. So, here goes ...

"Lady in the Water"
Might as well start with the big daddy, the grand kahuna, the single worst movie I saw in all of 2006. How the hell did M. Night fall so far so fast? The signs were there that he was slipping with "Signs," and "The Village" was even worse, but neither of those could have prepared me for just how bad this movie was. It's all empty and, much worse, arrogant piffle, with M. Night casting himself in the middle of this "bedtime story" as the writer whose dangerous ideas will change the world. Just please, please, please avoid this one at all costs.

"Date Movie"
Being as far removed from the target audience as I am for this one, I should probably be ashamed that I even bothered to watch it, but I did for one reason only: A reservoir of goodwill for Alyson Hannnigan left over from her days on "Buffy." Well, that reservoir is quickly going dry from fare as bad as this. The only time I can remember laughing was when her would-be suitor hoists his boombox Lloyd Dobler-style and blares Player's "Baby Come Back." That joke alone probably shows just how old I'm getting.

"ATL"
I think I was just duped by the marketing campaign for this one. I was expecting a nostalgic look at growing up and roller skating in Atlanta, but this wasn't even close. At the middle of a cast full of wretched performances is rapper T.I., whose technique of showing emotion, any emotion, is simply to squint. Outkast's Big Boi embarasses himself even more as a supposed drug dealer who's about as menacing as Wayne Brady. Just plain bad.

"Freedomland"
I had high expectations for this one after reading the fairly great novel by Richard Price, but from the outset it had no idea what it wanted to be. With Julianne Moore as a woman who makes the explosive charge that a black carjacker took off with her vehicle and her young son in the back seat, it sets up the opportunity to explore all kinds of issues about race and class, but then tackles none of them. A real shame made only worse because the best performance from Samuel L. Jackson in years is just wasted here.

"American Dreamz"
Even if this one hadn't come out in the same year as the vastly superior satire "Thank You for Smoking," it still would have sucked just as much on its own. Supposedly a satire on both the "American Idol" phenomenon and the Bush white house, it's just so silly that it misses all its targets. Dennis Quaid's Bush, in particular, is just so crudely and broadly drawn that it zaps all the venom right out. It just suckz.

"Art School Confidential"
It pains me to even type those three words for inclusion on this list, but unfortunately this flick is well-deserving of the demerits. Terry Zwigoff and Daniel Clowes have made one perfect movie, "Ghost World," and will surely make many more great ones, so I suppose I should just give them this one mulligan. And I would, if it hadn't started my summer off on such a bad note with its ridiculous plot and vacuous script. I know you can do better guys, and I look forward to seeing it.

"Poseidon"
Just about the only enjoyable thing about this "disaster" flick is that Fergie dies within the first 20 minutes or so. For a movie that's supposedly about a sinking ocean liner, you get absolutely no sense of doom, just people walking down hallway after hallway, boring us to death along the way. My favorite piece of dialogue has Kurt Russell imploring daughter Emmy Rossum to cover up her "twins." It's just plain creepy.

"X-Men: The Last Stand"
The sins committed by Brett the Ratner with this one are way too many to detail here, so I'll keep it brief. It just seemed like he packed this one full of way too many mutants and even more plot lines, which he just picked up and dropped as soon as he got bored. The worst was his abuse of the Dark Phoenix saga, which was just atrocious. Oh well. Maybe the Wolverine movie won't suck, and we'll eventually be getting a Memento movie too to help wipe this abomination from memory.

"Idlewild"
How in the world do you make a movie with the tremendously talented Andre 3000 and Big Boi of Outkast playing musicians and then only give them three big musical numbers, one of which doesn't even come until the closing credits? Instead we get a terribly tired gangster plot and a wasted appearance from the great Terrence Howard. The soundtrack album that comes with it is outstanding, but the flick sat on the shelf so long that it only contains a couple of these new songs.

"School for Scoundrels"
After this disaster I'm ready to swear off both any movies directed by Todd Phillips and any starring Jon Heder. How did "Napoleon Dynamite" end up in this completely unfunny movie? Phillips showed some real comedic skill with "Road Trip" but has only gone downhill since, and Heder's one-trick-pony is definitely ready for the glue factory. I'll give Billy Bob Thornton a pass on this one because he's just that good, but he had nothing to do in this waste of celluloid.

Whew. There you have it. The 20 hours or so that I want to get back but never will. So, which movies just made your eyes bleed in 2006? Please feel free to sound off, and please, please, please don't watch any of the movies that made this list!