Remake madness hits fever pitch

I had originally intended to list the 100 or so things I'd rather do with Elisha Cuthbert than torture and abuse her (like perhaps take her to a nice movie that's not about torture porn), but I'm afraid I'm just not feeling that ambitious. All I can do is once again say please, please, please don't go see "Captivity" this weekend!

Or I could bemoan the fact that Kevin Spacey is set to return as Lex Luthor in "Superman: Man of Steel." Really the only bad thing about Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns" was that he was more than a tad too worshipful (is that even a word?) of Richard Donner's work, with Lex being a big part of that. Even in this bad news, however, there's a silver lining: Singer will be doing both "Valkyrie" and "The Mayor of Castro Street," his Harvey Milk biopic, before getting to work on another Superman flick.

No, what really grated my cheese this morning is the news that they're actually gonna try and remake "Footloose." I'll give you all a second to ingest this madness before we proceed ...

This sickening project will star Zac Efron of "High School Musical" in the Kevin Bacon role, taking the six degrees of Kevin Bacon game to a whole new generation. The only thing that makes this even a little palatable, and I can't stress enough the word little, is that they're at least gonna transform it into a full-blown musical, like it was on Broadway.

What's it gonna take to end this madness? I think I've found the Earth-shattering, soul-dissolving event that just might bring us to the brink: Michael Bay's "The Birds." It's just a rumor at this point, but I'm sure Bay would love to see himself as Hitchcock (as another director who will be mentioned here shortly already did.) If he actually decided to try this, with the birds transformed into gigantic CGI critters, we finally might have the nerve to stand up and say enough is enough.

In the meantime, there is of course no end in sight. In honor of Mr. Efron and his co-conspirators, here are the five worst movie remakes I've ever seen. Please take into consideration that there are so many worthless remakes out there that it was hard to make the cut, and that I make it a rule to almost never see anything that has gone from a TV show to a movie. And please feel free to sound off with any that just make you vomit in your own mouth in the comments.

1. "Cape Fear"

Martin Scorsese has made very few bad movies, but this is certainly one of them (the only other ones I can think of off the top of my head were "Bringing Out the Dead" and "Gangs of New York," but neither of those are anywhere near as bad as "Cape Fear.") Robert De Niro following in the footsteps of Robert Mitchum? No thanks. He simply isn't scary at all, and so neither is this thoroughly craptastic flick.

2. "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "Planet of the Apes"

OK, I'm gonna break the rules from the start by making this list have six titles, but Tim Burton deserves the double shot for these two felonies. The worst thing about his "Charlie" is that the first 20 minutes or so, before they enter the factory, are pure magic. Then Johnny Depp appears as some kind of vaguely menacing pedophile and the whole operation goes right into the toilet. As for "Planet of the Apes," he knew he couldn't top Charlton Heston's big moment on the beach, so what did he do? Just drop it completely. Pathetic.

3. "Point of No Return"

This one probably wouldn't make the list if Luc Besson's "Nikita" wasn't easily one of my favorite movies. The problem here, as with "Cape Fear," starts with the leading player, Bridget Fonda. In Besson's movie, Anne Parillaud was, as TLC put it best, crazysexycool. Fonda was sexy at least, but in this case one out of three definitely is bad.

4. "Psycho"

I (and the rest of the world) have piled so much abuse on poor Gus Van Sant for this one that it's just getting sad, so I'll keep it short: How can you have any suspense in a shot-for-shot remake of this masterpiece from the master of suspense? 'Nuff said.

5. "Poseidon"

Every time I think this summer at the movies kinda sucks (with a few very bright exceptions, of course), I just have to think back to last summer and how rotten I felt after watching this Wolfgang Petersen turd. Andre Braugher already had a firm grasp on the title of most criminally under- and misused actor in Hollywood, but Petersen really upped the stakes here by casting him as the ship's captain, giving him maybe two lines and then killing him in about five minutes. I'm sorry if that spoils anything for you, but if that somehow keeps you from seeing this disaster you should only be thanking me.

And, just in case you thought the end of all this madness just might be in sight, here's a little video proof you're wrong. The first clip of is of Steve Carell as Maxwell Smart in the upcoming "Get Smart" remake. From the trailer alone you can tell that the very funny Mr. Carell has already crossed the line into just parodying himself, and that's just sad.



Next up comes the trailer for "Hairspray." I'd be easier on this one if John Waters' original movie weren't one of my favorites. I've seen the Broadway musical too, and it is, in its own way, almost as good. So, why make a third version? Beats me. Christopher Walken should just be a delight to watch in this, but I smell a big fat Razzie in John Travolta's not-too-distant future. Enjoy, and have an entirely suck-free Wednesday.



P.S.: I'm beginning to get the strong suspicion that this post is itself a remake in that I rail against this subject quite a bit, but there is no bigger problem in the movie industry today, so please forgive me if I repeat myself.