Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What if they really did make movies about everything?

When you look at all the mundane things that are getting turned into movies these days, you really have to wonder if there is anything that's just too silly for Hollywood.

After all, we'll soon be getting not only a Facebook movie (which should actually be great), but also after that a Google movie. And board games? There are at least six board games currently being turned into movies: Battleship, Clue (again), Monopoly, Candyland, Ouija and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. And yes, really.

So, if you can make a movie from Battleship (that will somehow star Rihanna), where's the limit? If you'll allow me to be extremely silly myself for a bit, here are some "ideas" you might have to watch out for if this madness continues unchecked, all based on things found in my house and just about everyone else's too:

The shower curtain: No, not a horror movie. How about, instead, wish fulfillment? Step behind the curtain and, for one day, you can be whatever your mind imagines, with, of course, lots of unintended consequences.

The recipe box: Why not a Nicholas Sparks-style romance? A common quest for that one exotic, elusive ingredient leads two young cooks into each other's kitchens and ... wait, I think I might have actually seen this one before, but has that ever stopped movie makers?

The clarinet: OK, this one will be a horror movie. A teen dude who was never very good at playing the clarinet takes his revenge by making anyone who crosses his path listen to him try to play it (perhaps I'm the only person who could relate to that, though.)

The bedside table lamp: This lamp doesn't just light up a room. In the right hands, it becomes a weapon that will wipe out the impending darkness that is about to consume the planet. This one will, inevitably, star Jackie Chan in some way.

The rocking chair: Anyone who sits in this magical chair with another person in the room will immediately have the irresistible urge to tell a story, no matter how embarrassing it might be. I think I'll go ahead and forward that one to M. Night Shymalan, because even that's miles better than anything he's come up with lately.

The bookshelf: We've all wanted to become our favorite literary character for at least a little while. This bookshelf would give you that power once you complete one of its books. Looking at my shelf, I think I'd choose Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, and then just wreak all kinds of havoc for a spell.

The crockpot: This nation could probably use a "can't we all just get along" flick a la "Crash" right about now (though I hated that movie.) What better to symbolize a healing process than the crockpot, which, no matter what you throw into it, somehow always manages to mix it into something edible. I have no idea where to go from there, but remember, I'm just the "idea" guy here, people.

The fireplace: A "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" kind of escape movie, but this time, when you crawl through the fireplace, you end up in a mystical land where you're given the elemental power of fire in a battle of the four elements. Sort of like "The Last Airbender," but done right (sorry, M. Night, but you're such an easy target.)

The love seat: Actually, this is still linked from a family-friendly newspaper, so we won't go there, but you certainly get the idea by now.

And just in case you think all these ideas are as bad as they admittedly are, just remember, they really are making a movie about Battleship.


Bob said...

"That's enough of that now. It's much too silly."

That was funny. I just hope no actual studio executives read your blog. They'll make these.

Reel Fanatic said...

I'm fairly certain they don't, Bob, but you're right ... they'll really do just about anything!