School for Scoundrels

As my mind started to drift away from Todd Phillips' instantly forgettable "School for Scoundrels," I thought of what might make a pretty good documentary, or at least a reality TV show. Call it ... "School for Filmmakers."

Your first assignment: Start with these ingredients and make a movie that generates more than one laugh.

First, a cast full of very funny people: Billy Bob Thornton, David Cross, Matt Walsh, Sarah Silverman, Todd Louiso, Horatio Sanz and Luis Guzman. For your leads, Jon Heder, with his legion of devoted "Napoleon Dynamite" fans, and the supercute Jacinda Barrett, currently the "it" girl of the moment.

If that's enough, we'll give you a fantastic premise: A class, run by Billy Bob Thornton, where wusses go to discover their inner asshole.

Now, clearly I'm not a movie director, but surely Todd Phillips could have made something even remotely funny with this mix. And he did make me laugh. Exactly once, before the class even starts. After Heder hangs up on Thornton's Dr. P in fear during their initial conversation, Dr. P calls him back and says "Congratulations, you're already my worst student."

Sorry to give it away, but consider it a warning. If you're expecting anything close to a comedy, this movie is not it.

I think the problem is one of commitment. Phillips, who shares screenwriting credits along with being the director, seems absolutely terrified of offending anyone.

I had the same problem with "The Ringer." If you're gonna make a movie about a guy who actually tries to rig the Special Olympics, don't make him into a good guy who's just being set up. Make him a real jerk.

Phillips likewise cops out with "Scoundrels." The stunts that Dr. P puts his students through don't even come close to being cruel enough to deliver laughs. They're just, well, boring.

And I hate to say it, but as Jon Heder keeps making movies, I'm beginning to wish there had never been a "Napoleon Dynamite." Don't get me wrong, I love that movie. He was perfect in it, but if he's just gonna keep playing the same part over and over again, someone has to stop him now. Please.

The role of Dr. P, if written with the right amount of dark comedy, would have been perfect for Billy Bob. He's proven he has a natural gift for comedy. I loved him in "Bad Santa" and "Bandits." Heck, I even liked him in Linklater's remake of "Bad News Bears," even though that one should probably never have been made. Here, however, he's given absolutely nothing to work with, and you can tell he's just coasting throughout.

I know this has gone on quite a while now, but I need to vent about one more thing, so just bear with me. I've never met Todd Phillips, so I can't say this for sure, but he certainly seems to have some issues with black people.

In this movie, there are exactly three that I noticed with speaking parts. Two appear in the first five minutes to menace Heder's meter maid character, stealing his uniform and shoes, along with all his money. Ok, fair enough. Nobody likes meter maids.

But what Micheal Clark Duncan, who is a very good actor, is asked to do in this one is just pathetic. He is some kind of sidekick to Dr. P who, as a means of intimidating the students, apparently anally rapes them (hey, don't shoot the messenger). I couldn't help flashing back to "Birth of a Nation" (yes, my mind does wander) and wondering if Phillips thought that would work great as a comedy. It's not just hateful, it's repulsive.

OK, I feel better now. I usually tell people to go see a movie and make their own mind up instead of just taking my word for it, but with this one I can't even do that. Save your money and just say no to "School for Scoundrels."