Remake news so bad I couldn't possibly make it up

This being Monday and all, I'd love to be the bearer of better news. And at least part of me hopes you've all heard this somewhere else first to soften the blow.

When I first heard the idea that someone would actually remake "The Birds," I just assumed it was some kind of urban legend. No one would really do that, would they?

Well, as has happened at least once before, it seems I'm wrong. I hope Martin Campbell lives a long time and makes a lot more movies, because it's gonna take a heck of a lot of good karma to survive this.

Until now he's had a good enough run. "Casino Royale" was the best Bond movie in many, many years, and his "Zorro" sequel was fun enough. The ride stops, however, stops when he puts his hands on Hitchcock.

Here, as far as I can muster from the French site Cinempire.com, are the details: The bold fools who will write this abomination for Campbell are Paul Harris Boardman and Scott Derrickson (the team that wrote "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," a surprisingly entertaining flick.) In case you haven't vomited from all this yet, brace yourself, because it only gets worse.

What do you do when you know you're taking on a remake that should never even be started? Call it a "re imagining," of course. The formerly fairly talented Todd McFarlane is doing the same thing with "The Wizard of Oz," unless I rather quickly develop a talent like Maya's on "Heroes" and can do the world a big favor by taking all these idiots out (stay tuned, by the way, for much better news about "Heroes" in the next segment.)

And, worst of all about this madness: Naomi Watts is at least rumored to be in negotiations to fill the shoes of Tippi Hedren (who, I was pleasantly surprised to find, is still alive and kicking.) If she still has the energy at age 77, I would hope she'd use her foot on Ms. Watts' also rather pleasant posterior to kick enough sense into her to get her to just say no to this.

Whew. That's a lot of bile for a Monday morning, so how about some much better news about another blonde I like even more than Naomi?

Veronica Mars on "Heroes" tonight!

Just typing that was enough to make me smile, so I indeed hope I have that right. I've enjoyed hearing Kristen Bell's voice on "Gossip Girl" (yes, I'll admit it, I watch that), but it will be so much better to see her face again too on "Heroes."

As far as I can tell from the commercial, she's pursuing Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventamiglia) for some reason. The best NBC could come up with for a tagline was "what power will she have?" I would have at least added "Veronica Mars back on TV? F*** yeah!) A bit misleading, perhaps, but much more effective. Definitely tune in tonight.

More incredibly bad news

Sorry to alternate like this, but I'm still not fully awake, to be honest.

What's worse than a thoroughly unnecessary remake? In my book it would have to be these so-called "spoof" movies that won't just die. Apparently enough people (though hopefully no one reading this) went to see "The Comebacks" in week one that it made nearly $6 million. Not a ton, I guess, but probably enough to justify it's excremental existence.

Can it get any worse? After you watch this clip, you'll know the answer is definitely yes. I won't spoil it for you, because it's something you have to see to believe. I'll just leave you with a few questions. If you steal complete scenes from a flick, when does it stop being a "spoof" and just become a crime? And, not that I want to see her more often, but does Carmen Electra have a contract that only allows her to star in these flicks?. Anyways, I won't delay your agony any further. Click on the video if you dare, and please, please, remember I'm just the messenger. Peace out.

A weekend off, but recommendations aplenty

For me at least, there will most likely be no movies this weekend, because I'm headed up to Asheville, N.C., to spend the weekend with my folks. Not anything near a complaint, mind you, just the facts.

Even so, here's what I would recommend watching (and avoiding) from this weekend's busy wide-release slate:

1. "30 Days of Night"
You can tell from the begrudging respect given to this one by reviewers who usually heap scorn on horror movies that it should at least be pretty darn fun. What's beyond dispute is that it's based on a very clever premise: A pack of vampires attacks a small Alaskan town in the dead of winter, giving them 30 days of interrupted darkness for a feeding frenzy. Bring it on.

2. "Gone Baby Gone"
I may be the only person that didn't much care for "Mystic River" at all, but this flick directed by Ben Affleck (yes, really) from another Dennis Lehane novel about an abducted child sounds like it's less heavy-handed but more solidly entertaining.

2. "Rendition"
Even those who agree with the politics of this one (and since it basically, I think, boils down to don't torture innocent people, who doesn't?) might find it more than a little preachy. I'm confident, however, that Gavin Hood, director of the simply flawless "Tsotsi" (if you haven't seen this one, do so immediately), will deliver a smart and entertaining political thriller. And the cast is simply amazing.

4. "The Ten Commandments"
OK, from here there's a distinct drop off. An animated version of the Ten Commandments story without Charlton Heston or, according to reviews, much life at all? No thanks.

5. "The Comebacks"
Seeing Bill Buckner boot that ball in the World Series was pretty darn funny the first time it happened, but I just can't see any possible reason I would want to see him re-create it again (and yes, he's really in this) in this "spoof" of sports flicks. I thought it was the very funny Rob Corddry who had the misfortune of playing coach Lambeau Fields (get it?), but it's apparently his look-alike, David Koechner. Please, please, please do not go see this.

"Sarah Landon & the Paranormal Hour"
I list this one last but with no number because I simply know nothing about it. I will say, though, that the title above is much better than "Sarah Landon & the P," as it's listed at one of my multiplexes. That could be a whole different kind of weird, I'm afraid.

So, there you have it. Please feel free to offer your opinions on any of those, and have a fantastic weekend. Peace out.