Thoroughly unnecessary remakes

My favorite movie story of the past year or so has to be when Emory University kicked McG and his "Revenge of the Nerds" remake right off of campus and told them to make their craptastic flick somewhere else. Even if they did so on moral grounds rather than on any principled stand against the notion of ridiculous remakes, I can only say huzzah.

As far as I know that movie is still dead, and hopefully will remain so. Although "Revenge of the Nerds" is far from high art, it's a thoroughly entertaining flick, and I always stop by for at least a few minutes when I stumble upon it on Saturday afternoon TV.

Which gets us to today's topic. Though there are countless unnecessary remakes, and way too many more in the pipeline, these are the six that just make me most want to hurl. Please feel free to add any remakes that just piss you off.

1. Psycho
I'm still holding out hope that this was still a joke. In my eyes, Gus Van Sant still has not recovered from his decision to do a shot-for-shot remake of Hitchcock's classic (meaning, of course, he just made the same exact movie all over again.) "Elephant" was a damn fine flick, but it's gonna take a lot more than that to put him back in my good graces.

2. Cape Fear
I don't know how I thought this could be good. I guess I was just blinded by the names Scorsese and De Niro, but I was definitely duped. If you haven't seen the original, definitely check it out. Robert Mitchum's terrifying performance should be required viewing for all the directors who are churning out what passes for horror movies nowadays. I generally skip them all, but I'll be making an exception this Saturday for "28 Weeks Later."

3. Planet of the Apes
Tim Burton is one of my favorite and least favorite directors, all rolled into one. It's maddening to me that he's capable of incredibly original creations like "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" and "Big Fish" (still my favorite Burton movie), but then turns out turds like this and his take on "Willy Wonka." They're equally bad movies in my eyes, but this one takes the title by a nose.

4. Poseidon
Though there was plenty of competition, this one takes my prize as the worst movie of 2006 (with the caveat that there are many movies that I simply don't bother to see.) There are several scenes that are so bad they remain lodged in my brain, surely taking the place of much more important things, but there's one that takes the cake. Near the beginning, Kurt Russell is playing cards when his daughter, played by Emmy Rossum, comes up wearing a fairly revealing evening dress. If I remember this right, he then leers at his "daughter's" chest and makes a comment about her "twins." I can't make this stuff up.

5. Breathless
This one was D.O.A. for me because movies just don't get any cooler than Godard's "A Bout de Souffle." Jean Paul Belmondo is just about my favorite actor in the world, and he's rarely been better than he was here riffing with Jean Seberg as the doomed Michel Poiccard (a k a Laszlo Kovacs.) I actually can't in good faith condemn the remake starring Richard Gere because, though I've tried twice, I still can't make it all the way through. Somehow I don't think I'm missing anything.

6. Point of No Return
I can understand the impulse to remake "La Femme Nikita," and this American version isn't actually terrible. The whole problem lies in the choice of heroine. Anne Parillaud, the original Nikita, was sexy, dangerous and cool in a way that Bridget Fonda, who had the dishonor of following in her footsteps, could never even hope to match. Its third life as a TV show, however, was an entertaining ride.

So, there you have it. I could come up with many more, but I still have to work for a living. Please feel free to add any of the many I have missed. Peace out.