Forrest Bush?

The day we, or at least I, had feared for so long has finally come. Despite legal obstacles that should have left it rotting in an early grave, the forces of evil have apparently triumphed and are about to launch a plague on this planet more vile than any toxin you could conceive. Yes, a "Forrest Gump 2." The title above, while only my suggestion, would seem to be rather appropriate.

It seems this has been in the works since 2001, when Paramount hired "Forrest Gump" screenwriter Eric Roth to pen a sequel, using the Winston Groom novel "Gump & Co." as his inspiration. Now, according to Josh Tyler at Cinema Blend, the project is set to move ahead again.

“Gump & Co” apparently takes place several years after “Forrest Gump” and finds Forrest’s shrimping business failed and Jenny dead, leaving Forrest a single unemployed father. As you’d expect, Gump still stumbles through more important historical events. In this case it’s a cavalcade of history from the 80s and 90s. He even meets Tom Hanks.

This all makes me more angry than it reasonably should, so give me a second to settle down. Why does "Forrest Gump" make me so mad? It's not because it's a treacly-sweet movie that's just drop-dead boring for the final third or so. I just can't get past the premise that the major events in American Twentieth Century history were set in motion or directly influenced by the actions of a (insert whatever euphemism for mentally challenged person you prefer here; depending on my mood, I usually prefer "touched.")

I've been told by many people that I'm taking it way too seriously, and I know they're right. For me, however, it's what makes "Forrest Gump" my single least favorite movie of all time, bar none. And yes, there has been some stiff competition over the years. Note, I didn't say the objectively "worst" movie ever made, just my personal vote for all-time stinker.

Given the state of our world today, however, a "Gump" sequel could hold promise. Bear with me here. How could our Forrest have an impact on history this time? Well, you could have him stumbling around the White House, maybe snorting a little blow from time to time, as his daddy is vice president and then president (I can't remember if Forrest even had a daddy in the original, but hey, it's a sequel, so do the rules of logic really apply?)

This way you could have him at the fall of the Berlin Wall, the end of the Soviet Union, all kinds of fun Cold-War events could get that special "aw, shucks" Forrest touch. But why stop there? With a little dose of "Being There" you could have our hero become president. Through a series of accidental encounters, he could get us in the middle of a bloody civil war in Iraq. I think even a hack like me could write some of this dialogue:

Cheney: Mr. president, 27 people died today in suicide bombings in Iraq.
President Gump: Well, like my momma always said: Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.

That's actually a little too close to reality for me. I think I'll just stop now before I get thoroughly depressed. Because, like Forrest says, "stupid is as stupid does," whatever the hell that means.