Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Wednesday morning rant

I'm in a rather cranky mood this morning.

I could share with you the good news. I could tell you that Vincent Cassell has joined the cast of David Cronenberg's "Eastern Promises" with Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortensen. Watts is a nurse who helps a mysterious woman give birth. The woman ends up dying and Watts investigates her past, which leads her into the seedy world of Russian prostitution. Cassel plays a man named Petrid, whose family owns a Russian brothel.

I could tell you all about how that sounds like it could be even better than "A History of Violence," my favorite movie of 2005. Or I could share the news that, in lieu of sitting down for the five course meal she so desperately needs, Buffy has signed on to star in "Addicted," yet another remake of a Korean movie. In it, she will play a woman whose husband and brother-in-law both end up in a coma after an accident. When the brother awakes, claiming to be her husband, she must try to understand the reality, suspecting something more sinister is at work.

But I can't even get remotely excited about that. Why? Because we have entered the single worst week for movies in the entire year, at least in my little corner of the world.

A brief look at what's out there:

"Crossover"

Apparently shooting cops and slapping hookers with Dave Chappelle wasn't enough to prove Wayne Brady is a very bad man. Now he has to play the bad guy in what appears to be an extended AND-1 slam-dunk mix tape.

Oh well, I should give this one a little credit, since it had the nerve to show its face to critics (and get one star from the AP's Christy Lemire - no wonder movies skip the critics nowadays!)

Crank

OK, the first "Transporter" movie was pretty cool, but enough is enough. How many times can we make a movie that centers on Jason Statham driving around in a car for the whole flick?

In this one, as far as I can tell, he gets poisoned, then takes his revenge on the poisoners (while, of course, driving around a lot.) This one just looks like crap on toast.

"The Wicker Man"

OK, the first two just annoyed me, but this last one just flat pisses me off. I have seen the original "Wicker Man," and while I'm not as devoted to it as some people I know, I did find it a solid enough diversion in the Saturday afternoon moviehouse genre.

But why in the hell would you make it again? With Nicolas Cage? With the cult leader being a woman (albeit the very talented Ellyn Burstyn, apparently.)

I beg of you, if you have anything better to do this weekend, please, please do not go see this movie. The only way this madness will stop is if these totally unnecessary remakes stop making money.

Thanks for letting me let off some steam. Things aren't actually all that bleak for me this weekend, so I should get over it.

Saturday, it's the best day of the year in Athens, with the Bulldogs' season kicking off against cupcake Western Kentucky. I'll be there in my usual seat, in the end zone next to the visiting team's band. It's a better spot than you might think, except when you have to hear "Rocky Top" 47 times in a row.

And I still haven't seen "Little Miss Sunshine," so there should be a great movie in store on Sunday. So, life is pretty good. Just, please, please, I beg of you again, DO NOT GO SEE THE WICKER MAN!

26 comments:

Dan said...

I can't agree with about crank.
Just ask Crawford on film he's very excited about this.
Jason stathem indeed gets poisned but there's a catch, it only gets released/activated if his heart rate drops below a certain number. So in affect he has to run around keeping his heart rate up.
It's like speed with Jason stathem as the bus. genius;-)

Reel Fanatic said...

I suppose that could be fun, Dan, but I'm still sceptical ... I'll have to wait and see what the buzz is

Aaron said...

"Good Ol' Rocky Top. Rocky Top Tennessee".
I have to agree about the movies this week. So me and the lady are going to go check out a bunch of movies from the past few weeks since we will be on vacation this weekend.

Julia_Claudine_Deveraux said...

I totally echo your sentiments on all the films you've named. I fell to my knees screaming when I found out they were remaking The Wicker Man. I would put that movie in my top 100 great films of all time list. Nick Cage is no Edward Woodward! I hope it crashes and burns in the box office.

Reel Fanatic said...

Amen to that, Julia ... Mr. Cage had built up some goodwill in my book this summer with "WTC," but this awful idea just wipes that all away!

Todd Jones said...

"fuck you rocky top, go to hell tennessee"

i'm actually kind of looking forward to crank myself, though i'll wait til it pops up at the $1 theater since $8 is too much to pay for such silliness. I need to get a review up of Little Miss Sunshine, it actually came out here in Birmingham and I saw it last week but haven't gotten around to writing about it. I haven't seen nearly as many movies this year as I did last year, but it's my favorite of the year by far.

Reel Fanatic said...

Thanks, Todd ... I'll definitely have to use that chant when those damn Vols roll into Athens in October .. i can't wait to watch the Dawgs maul them again!

Mercurie said...

I definitely do not plan to see The Wicker Man. I had thought about it, given the fact that Neil LaBute is one of my favourite directors. But then a quick look at the film's web site showed that they had made such substantial changes to the story that it sounded as if they more or less ruined the story. Of course, I was always disturbed by the idea of Ellen Burstyn in the role of Summerisle's head. While she is talented, she simply does not have that sense of menace that Christopher Lee (Lord Summersisle in the original film) does in many of his roles. I think Anjelica Houston or Diana Rigg would be better casting. At any rate, as I love the original, I have no plans to what appears to be a butchery of a remake.

Reel Fanatic said...

I have no idea what possessed the very talented Mr. Labute to do this, Mercurie .. I've read interviews where he says the original is one of his favorite films, but that certainly doesn't seem like a reason to butcher it!

kalipornia said...

little miss sunshine is the bees knees

themarina said...

Dan and I are on the same page. I'm actually a big fan of Stathem and I like his dose of action films. Sure, he's no Oscar hopeful but I love these fast, action packed rides. Always make for a good ride, at least for me.

On the other hand, I COMPLETELY agree with you on "Wicker Man". What the heck are they thinking? To makes matters worse, even the ads and trailer look awful! I can't imagine this will make any decent money this weekend. Or at least, I hope it doesn't!

themarina
madaboutmovies.net

Reel Fanatic said...

I think it's just that as I get older, I become snobbier, Marina ... I think if someone dragged me to watch "Crank," I'd almost certainly enjoy it, but as it is I'll wait for DVD

Lori said...

I'm pretty much with you on Crank. Statham's cool, but it would be nice to see him take a break from the action flicks for a while. As for Wicker Man, no interest whatsoever. I actually didn't know it was a remake, but can't say as I'm surprised. H'wood strikes again.

CAPT_Sawyer said...

Ironic that I just watched Transporter 2 today and posted a quick review of it. For mindless entertainment, it fit the bill. But I wasn't looking for anything else from it. And it delieverd...mindless entertainment and nothing else. I still give it a thumbs-up.

Sadie Lou said...

I have the original Wicker Man in my Netflix que right now--I wanted to see it before hype gets out about the current one. The story intrigues me.

Reel Fanatic said...

The original Wicker Man is indeed a great little flick, Sadie .. when you get to watch it, you will very unique touches that can't be replicated, so no one should try!

chicaleecious said...

Yech, I can't even imagine Wayne Brady in a film! Thanks for the tips though. Added the original "Wicker Man" to my queue, while I have to look out for the latest film, being a new Vincent Cassell fan. I think I need to see "History of Violence" again and take it for the satire it's intended to be... it was one of those that I got to like more as I thought about it after the fact!

MaeMae said...

Little Miss Sunshine is one of the best movies of the summer (albeit, late summer..) but that seems to be when all the indie films sweep in....after the high budget pictures steal the show from the masses, and Superman or Spiderman or whatever other overgrown, overproduced film has left the theater, the indies come through just in time to keep me from chewing off my own tongue for entertainment (sorry, graphic portrayal) :) But honestly, you'll love it....Steve Carrell (spelling mistake?) plays such an out of character part, it allows him to reveal the depth of acting he has...but enough is enough...see the film and fill me in.. :-)

Vasta said...

Little Miss Sunshine is definitely a good movie to watch, I laughed a lot. Very quirky.

I'm taking the weekend off from movies (though I am excited to see Crank) in anticipation of the 2-3 films a day I'll be watching next week.

mellowlee said...

I've heard that Miss Sunshine is a sweet movie. I really want to see it myself :)

Don't worry I wont go see Wicker. I haven't seen the inside of a movie theatre since uhmmmm... Lords of Dogtown. I have never seen the orginal, but I just checked it out on imdb and it looks good.

sumo said...

Thanks for the visit...and so happy to find another that feels the way I do about Saddam...the sausage...and the Devil.

Reel Fanatic said...

It's worth a second look Chica ... I know a lot of people who didn't appreciate it on first glance, and just saw it as an overly violent revenge movie (which, on a certain level, it certainly is) .. let me know what you think!

Jenz said...

Thanks for the warning about Wickerman... It was definitely an option for the weekend. I was not even aware that it was a remake. WTF is up with all the remakes these last few years? Are there really so few good original scripts around?

Reel Fanatic said...

I don't think it's that they aren't out there, Jenz, I think people in Hollywood just aren't looking very hard for them .. maybe TomKat's breakup with Paramount will lead to more attention to story rather than stars, but that's probably just wishful thinking

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