Free Rip Torn

You know, that title really is apropos of absolutely nothing, but this morning I'm listening to the surprisingly good Lil Flip album "I Need Mine" (yes, really), and its perfectly pleasant morning listening except for the fact that every couple of minutes or so it's interrupted by the phrase "Free Z-Ro."

Now, I have to assume that's some kind of rapper who was in jail at the time, and I've decided to take up the cause and champion someone far too talented (but obviously just perfectly crazy enough) to be locked up: Rip Torn. I'm fairly certain I don't have any power in this area, but I just saw this morning that he pleaded not guilty to armed robbery (who among us hasn't wanted to rob a bank at some point in your life?), and could only think how great it would be to have him somehow come back to life on "30 Rock."

And yes, it's gonna be one of those kind of days around here. Sandwiched among the absurdities will be exactly one piece of serious news, about what sounds like an absolutely fabulous Errol Morris film, and it will all be wrapped up with the 160 best Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes (again, yes really.)

Where in the world would you start things off, however, than with this: The Coen brothers need a one-armed woman to complete filming on their version of "True Grit" (and being a huge fan both of theirs and of author Charles Portis, you can count me as thoroughly psyched for this one.)

If that proves anything, I guess, it's at least that the Coens have no time for CGI (thank God.) Here, courtesy of AICN, is the casting call they put out:

Paramount Pictures is seeking a WOMAN MISSING HER LEFT ARM to be a photo double in the film, TRUE GRIT, a new film by Joel & Ethan Coen.

Character description: Photo double for adult Mattie Ross: This woman must be MISSING HER LEFT ARM. Optimally, she would be around 5'8", 138 lbs, slender to medium build. However, we are open to various looks.

To submit: Please do so asap! Send photos, measurements & contact information to texascasting2010@gmail.com. Photos should be non-glamorous, simple snapshots (incl face and body. It's best to wear a tank top & shorts). Measurements should include height, weight, bust, waist & hips. Include age, phone numbers & place of residence. Approrpriate candidates may also call our office at 512-637-6775.

So, if you happen to be a one-armed woman who's reading this, this is truly your lucky day. Since I'm not one of those, the best thing I can take from that is the phrase "we are open to various looks" ... as long as, of course, you happen to be a one-armed woman. Priceless.

Before going from that to two things that are almost as crazy, why not class things up at least a bit with some Errol Morris news? Though the man has made many great documentaries, my favorites of his are "Mr. Death" (watch that immediately if you haven't seen it) and "Fog of War," movies which offer well-rounded, almost sympathetic portraits of seriously evil or f-ed up people. And it certainly sounds like that's exactly what he has for his new movie.

It seems he's just finished work on something to be called either "Tabloid" or "A Very Special Love Story." No matter what it ends up being titled, it should be just fascinating. The subject is Joyce McKinney, a former Miss Wyoming who, in the late 70s, abducted a Mormon missionary in England, chained him to a bed and forced him to have sex with her. From there, of course, it just gets weirder. After jumping bail, she was convicted in absentia (sp?) to one year in prison because, at the time, there were no laws on the books about raping men. She was later accused of stalking the same dude, and in 2008, took her dog to Korea to be cloned.

Not much to build a sympathetic character out of, I suppose, but I'm betting Morris will at least come very close to doing it. Definitely keep your eyes out for this one, which is rumored to be in the running for this year's Cannes Film Festival.

OK, there will be nothing else remotely serious today from here on out, I promise. Anyone who's been here before (and there may be a few of you) knows that I'm a solid backer of Anna Faris, both for her obvious feminine virtues but even moreso because she's just about the best comedienne out there today. For proof that she can be insanely funny in just about anything, look no further than Jody Hill's "Observe and Report," in which her memorable turn as a seriously bitchy counter girl was just about the only redeeming quality.

Well, she's about to put the "watch her in just about anything" idea to a real test by starring in a remake of "Private Benjamin." In the realm of unnecessary remakes, this is far from the worst offender (my vote there goes to "Let Me In," the upcoming English language remake of "Let the Right One In), and though it surely won't win her an Oscar like it did Goldie Hawn, I'm still betting it could be a hoot. And besides, since I've seen "House Bunny" (and actually enjoyed it more than a bit), the odds are pretty good I'll see this too.

And finally today (or at least before Ahnuld), in the category of a man's gotta eat, it seems that Malcolm D. Lee has signed on to direct "Fantasy Basketball Camp," to star one Lebron James. Take a second to digest just how bad that could be, and then please let me come to the defense of the other Mr. Lee (who, if I'm not mistaken, is indeed some kind of cousin to Spike.)

How many directors can you name who have made three movies that you either love or really like? Well with "Undercover Brother," "Roll Bounce" and "Soul Men," Malcolm D. Lee has in my book, so I'm more than a little willing to give him the benefit of the doubt (and yes, maybe even go see his Lebron James movie too.) If you haven't seen the Bow Wow roller skating flick (once again, yes really) "Roll Bounce" or "Soul Men," which paired the late, great Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson, I highly recommend them both.

OK, how better than to wrap up all that absurdity than with the 160 best Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes? I can't imagine anyone will sit through the entire 10 minutes of this, but as far as time-wasters go, this one is pretty epicly good. My favorite part would have be the "bullshit" compendium, but there's obviously a lot of Ahnuld to choose from. Enjoy this clip courtesy of Pajiba.com, have a perfectly pain-free Wednesday, and, now and forever, free Rip Torn. Peace out.



P.S.: In honor of opening day coming Monday (finally!) enjoy this clip of Steve Wynn singing his simply fabulous tribute to Fernando Valenzuela. Play ball!